Back to the Grind

 I've been back about a month now, and in that time, I had COVID, went back on unemployment, sent out many self-tapes, and became deeply depressed.  I was a working actor for five months, and now I can't get a callback.

I know that I have lived a privileged theatre life in years past.  I always had my next thing lined up, I had people calling me up and offering me parts. My booking rate was really high, and the number of times that I failed to get a callback was very low.  But I don't really know what changed.  The Utah job came about because my angel, Tanya, thought of me the year before and reached out.  I feel very fortunate to have had that experience, and I certainly hope to repeat it as often as I can before I die. But the other jobs that I booked, I had a swagger and confidence that maybe got beaten out of me when I was attacked.  Because since then, I have only booked two jobs, and I haven't been called back for many things that I have been right for and could have crushed.  

Maybe I'm different now. I was invulnerable to nerves and doubt.  Now, I'm a mess.  I hope, rather than expect to get the job.  I don't know how to get that back.  I second guess myself and feel so vulnerable and lost. I saw a Facebook memory today in which I said: "Thankfulness Day 4. I am thankful for theatre. I am only ever truly at peace when I'm on stage. No anxiety. No fear. I can breathe as the writer has given me all the answers to life for a couple of hours anyway. There is nothing better than doing a great play with talented, caring artists." I feel that so acutely. I love the work! I feel like it is my purpose, I feel like it gives me purpose.

I'm in the great In-between, unlike any I've experienced since the pandemic. Even then, I was working. Hell, I booked Iago at Nebraska Shakespeare in a nationwide search, one of my proudest achievements during the end of that. But here I am unable to get so much as an in-person callback, and it's depressing. Maybe I have lost my edge.

The four self-tapes I did shortly after I got home were all due within two days of one another. Two were for Shakespeare, one for a new play, and the other for a small film. I didn't expect to book the film, because that industry has largely been silent to my auditions, but the other three, I felt like I put good stuff on tape. One isn't until next summer, so there's still time, but the other two are for January, and I definitely would have heard by now if they wanted to see more. In that week, I learned five new Shakespeare speeches, two different character speeches for the new play, and a scene for the movie. I felt like I did good work.

I have long been a proponent for doing the best I can with a couple of takes, expecting to be called back, and I took that approach this time as well, but maybe I need to agonize over each choice and each take and drive myself mad now. I don't know. I'm pretty lost.

Fortunately, I had the opportunity to be part of a reading of a new(ish) play tonight, so I'm not completely despondent, at least today. It was a fun read, and exhilarating! It's the kind of play that reminds me why we do theatre. Because events that happen in the moment between audience and actor can't be captured on film. I hope that it gets done, because even if I don't get to be in it, I want to experience it.

Sorry I'm Debbie Downer tonight, it's just been a really tough month after a summer of being a working actor again. Being poor and stressing about the election are also making me lose my shit. Hopefully the blue wave happens this week and we wash the orange out of our lives forever!

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