Pride and Preparation

 

My first show of the week was a 2 PM matinee of Much Ado About Nothing on Monday.  So, I aimed to get there at 12:30 because I am a psycho.  So, I rolled into my dressing room around then and my dresser, Madison, asked if I needed help with my costume track.  I thought maybe she was joking, because we've done the play 53 times.  But then she saw my confusion and told me that Henry was sick, and I had to go on for Leonato.  Then I checked my phone and had several missed calls and texts which happened in the seven minutes it takes me to drive from my amazing housing to the theatre. (I'm not joking, my housing this year is incredible.  Plus, I have the best roommate in the world.  I really feel as if I won the lottery).   A second later, my Angel, Tanya poked her head into the dressing room and confirmed that I would indeed be going on for Leonato in 90 minutes.  

Here's a little backstory for this weekly adventure.  When I was at Alabama Shakes, I was constantly thrust into understudy performances for shows at a moment's notice, without put in rehearsals, and sometimes without even being an understudy in the play. Tanya commented that sometimes that's how it goes.  She should have thought of that before she brought me here (although I'm glad she didn't). They took my special skill of "quick study" seriously at ASF, and I always delivered.  Another little anecdote, I understudied Ray Chambers as Cardinal Richelieu in Musketeers, knowing full well he never missed a show, but he got food poisoning one night, and I dove in without a put in.  I did get a put in for the Romeo and Juliet we did there, but that was the only rehearsal I got to play that track there.  I also filled in for a guy in Charlotte's Web for a week without even seeing the show.  I'm actually really good at this kind of thing.  Many other times have I jumped into a show in my career with little or no rehearsal.  It's sort of my superpower.  

Fast forward to this year, where I am understudying two giant roles in the season.  Both manned by old pros who never miss a show.  Henry even said to me, quite confidently, that I didn't need to worry because he never misses a show.  So, although I was surprised to learn that he was too sick to perform, I also knew it cold, because on top of being a psycho that shows up super early to everything, I do the work first, before any sort of fun.  I have spent the entire summer going over both of my covers doing them as monologues daily to not only make sure I know them, but as articulation warmups for the parts I am doing.  Because I signed a contract and that's the job. 

Sure, it would have been nice to have more than 90 minutes to wrap my head around playing the role, but my preparation is second to none, and although my BP spiked, I floated through the performance, pretty much error free. I did have a couple of flubs, but those were covered.  

After the show, I got lots of hugs and I kept hearing the same thing: "I hope you're proud of that."  I didn't really feel proud, partly because it wasn't flawless, but mostly because I rarely feel pride in what I do.  I am incredibly proud of some productions I have been a part of or even directed, but that's a collective pride I feel ok being part of.  I take pride in the things my kids do, I'm proud of my friends for doing amazing things, but honestly when I think of things I personally am proud of doing, the list is very short.  The last thing I remember being proud of was booking Iago at Nebraska Shakes, beating out countless thousands in a nationwide search, not knowing anybody involved.  I auditioned and I crushed it so hard that they took a chance on me.  That was cool.  Before that, was probably when I was in grad school and I wrote and performed a very subversive act involving Eeyore (my signature role at ASF) and Piglet, changing the lyrics to a song and skewering the idea of getting rid of the MFA program.  It was by far the closest thing to art I was part of during my two years there.  And it cost me dearly...hence here I am fifteen years later, and I am just now at a major Shakespeare Festival where I thought I would be upon getting my MFA.  But I stand by it, and I have pride in that former me who spoke truth to power, whatever the cost.

But that's it.  Self-pride is a thing that maybe the nuns convinced me was wrong during my very brief attempt at convocation. Whatever the reason, it's rare that I take pride in my own doing.  Twice in the past 15 years rare.  The second day I went on, I was able to play more and was word perfect. By the third day, I started to feel like I was actually just a really under rehearsed Leonato.  It's never ideal to have more performances than you have rehearsals.  

Mostly, I said the words, I hit my marks, and I even was able to be alive in most moments.  Basically, I did the job I was hired to do.  Understudying is a weird animal (especially when you are playing another role in the play). You aren't really creating anything, but as an actor you are expected to come from yourself even though you didn't create that moments you are playing.  My friend, Marco, who is understudying Buckingham in Henry phrased it perfectly when he said, "it's sort of like driving somebody else's car.  You don't know the quirks or the radio settings." But your job is to keep it on the freeway and not screw up any of the other drivers. I think we've both done that this year.  

Far scarier to me than jumping into Much Ado with little notice was performing tonight an original comedic piece at Cabaret.  It's funny, I've been kicking this idea around my brain all summer but was waiting for Cabaret theme to fit it.  Tonight was "around the world," and I finally premiered the dumbest thing I've ever thought of.  I did "Sir Thomas Lovell: The One-Man Show." Which was basically me as a supporting actor in Henry VIII asking to be noticed.  I took it to the committee and pitched it.  I specifically told them that they shouldn't pick it, because although I had to audition or I'd regret it, I didn't think it needed a wider audience.  I did one scene and that was enough for them to say OK.  Poor suckers.  So, I opened and closed this one man show tonight and it actually got laughs.  How many of those were pity laughs, I do not know.  But I guess I'm a little proud of myself for doing something so far out of my comfort zone, that hadn't really been vetted or fully fleshed out or prepared.  

So, there you have it.  I guess I take pride in a thing I wasn't fully prepared to do, but prepared so well I can't take pride in the unenviable achievement of stepping into a role with a moment's notice.  Welcome to my brain.  Now, you need to get to your next call, no matter how early it is.  Go, me, go.